/////\/\/\/\///\\/\///\\\/\\\\ HELLOPSYCHEDALI ////\\\\////\///////\\\/////\\\
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
" I D I D I T M Y W A Y
&
S O S H O U L D Y O U "
PHONEBLATHERINGS OF MATTHEW JOHNSON I
SOME BOLD, SOME GOLD, SOME ANNOYINGLY O-L-D. . . AND, OBVIOUSLY,
SOME WHICH SHOULD NEVER, EVER HAVE BEEN RETOLD. . .
* * * N O W W I T H 20 % L E S S P L A G I A R I S M * * *
"HASN'T THAT ASSHOLE USED UP HIS LIFETIME QUOTA OF WORDS YET?"
~ MOST PEOPLE
"YOU'RE SURE A REALLY LATE-TERM ABORTION IS OUT OF THE QUESTION?"
~ MATT'S MOM
"I'M SO DAMN PROUD OF MATTHEW...I'M GONNA BUY HIM SOME
MATCHING DINNERWARE TO GO WITH THAT PLATE IN HIS HEAD."
~ MATT'S DAD
"WOW! I UNDERSTOOD THEM ALL...'CEPT FOR THAT ONE...AND
THAT ONE ...AND JUST WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH THAT ONE?"
~ MBJI, "SUPPOSED" WRITER
OF THESE CRITTERS
"BLIMEY, HE'S GONE DOWN A MIGHTY BIG HILL SINCE "THE THE"."
~ JOHNNY MAR,
GUITARIST SUPREME
"OH, SORRY, I THOUGHT THAT WAS MY BEER...A-GAIN...I WAS TOO BUSY
BEIN' AN OVERACHIEVIN' UNDERACHIEVER TO BE THAT ATTENTIVE."
~ MBJI
$2 >> FOR 32 PRINT-READY PGS, 100+ ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES << $2
OR JUST GRAB THOSE 55 PHONEBLATHERINGS FEATURED IN THE SAMPLES MENU BELOW. . .
THAT'S CERTAINLY WHAT I'D DO IF'N I WEREN'T ME. . . AND IF I WERE SO ASTOUNDINGLY ARROGANT
THAT I'D ALSO CHOOSE TO IGNORE THE RESULTING SOUL-BANKRUPTING KARMIC BALLOON PAYMENT I'D
THEN BE LIABLE FOR . . .WHICH, OF COURSE, WOULD ENTAIL BEIN' THE PERPETUAL, BIG-WIGGED
CO-HOST FOR EVERY OFFERING FROM ONE OF THE MOST DEVOLUTIONARY FORCES IN OUR CULTURE --
THE TRINITY BROADCASTING NETWORK. . .
SO, C'MON NOW, OB-VI-OUS-LY, $2 IS SUCH A PALTRY PRICE TO AVOID THAT LEVEL OF ETERNAL DAMNATION
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________S A M P L E S M E N U___________________________________________
CLICK ON A NUMBER(01-57), GET A FOOD PELLET. . .I MEAN, SOME WORDPLAY
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<< 10 >> BOY BANDS FINALLY GET SOME LOVE
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<< 15 >> DRINKIN' OUT OF YOUR BLEACHED-OUT
SKULL AGAIN IN MARGUERITAVILLE
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<< 16 >> ANNE RICE'S NEW (WORLD) SERIES OF BOOKS
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<< 17 >> MMMM, TOXIRRIFICLY LETHALICIOUS
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<< 23 >> GODFATHER OF SOULSTEALIN'S RO-DE-O
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<< 25 >> DAMMIT, JIM, I'M A SEQUELMAKER,
NOT A BOOKMAKER!
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HYPOCRISY & ABSURDITY
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<< 27 >>PETER PAN'S PAGAN FAMILY RESTAURANT
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<< 32 >> ELVIS, NELL, & HOWIE-MANDELL NEENYO
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<< 40 >> ANOTHER MEMBER OF THE DEAD KENNEDYS
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<< 46 >> GLUTTONWEEN & "THE DAY OF THE FED"
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<< 47 >> 2002: YEAR OF THE NEUROTIC ROOSTER
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<< 48 >> HOW UNUSUAL -- MORE MEANDERING DRIVEL
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<< 50 >> IMMEDIATE FAMILY GRATIFICATION
(OR. . . "DISPOSABLE OUTCOME")
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<< 52 >> I C O N T R I F E C T A O F D E A T H
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<< 53 >> !NEW! (06-15-2005): P R E Y - F O R - T H E M
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<< 54 >> CANNES-TRIVED FILM FESTIVAL 2005 (30%NEW)
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<< 55 >> S I E G H E I L - L O . . .
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<< 56 >> "DAY OF THE OVERFED" VERSE FOR "HURT"
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<< 57 >> GEN. BILL "JESUS MAY LOVE YOU, BUT EVERYONE ELSE
THINKS YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE" O'REILLY
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<< 58 >>
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OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
PHONEBLATHERING: 04/12/2002...(FROM PG. 30)
. . .WE CAN'T PAY ATTENTION TO YOU RIGHT NOW BECAUSE WE'VE DRIFTED A-
PART…FAR A-PART…GET OVER IT…AND ALSO BECAUSE WE'RE BUSY PREPARIN'
THE MUCH-AWAITED LAUNCH OF OUR NEW BREAKFAST CEREAL: MULTIPLE O'S.
YOUR MAIL CARRIER WILL BE DELIVERIN' YOUR FREE SAMPLE OF MULTIPLE O'S
IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND WE'RE CONFIDENT THAT SOON MILLIONS OF AMER-
ICANS WILL BE STARTIN' THEIR DAYS WITH MULTIPLE O'S…AND WHAT A GREAT
WAY TO START EVERY DAY. . .MULTIPLE O'S ARE LIKE FIVE “GIRL-WRITHIN'-IN-
THE-SHOWER” SHAMPOO COMMERCIALS PLAYIN' SIMULTANEOUSLY...JUST ADD
MILK AND “GET THE HELL OUTTA THE WAY, SNAP, CRACKLE, & POP -- YOU RIDIC-
ULOUS RELICS”…MULTIPLE OHHHH-OHHHHHH-OHHHHHHHHHH-WHAT A BEAU-
TEEEFUL MORRR-NIN'!!! MULTIPLE O'S: COME AND GET `EM…AND VICE VERSA…
OHHHOHHHHHHOHHHHHHHOHHHHHHHHOHHHHHHHOHHHHHHHHOHHHHHHHOHHHHH
OHHHHHOHHHHHHHOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHOHHHHHHHHHHHOHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
PHONEBLATHERING: 03/14/2000...(FROM PG. 01)
HI, THIS IS BOBDOLE. THOSE THREE GUYS AREN'T AVAILABLE. . .BOBDOLE IS THOUGH,
WITH AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE FROM BOBDOLE ABOUT BOBDOLE...
…RECENTLY, LIKE MILLIONS OF OTHER AMERICANS, BOBDOLE EXPERIENCED THE EM-
BARASSING FRUSTRATION OF “E===DCOMMERCE DYSFUNCTION”, BUT, DID BOBDOLE
JUST LOG OFF AND SWING HIS DEAD ARM IN SHAME UNTIL THE PEN FELL? NO, NOT BOB-
DOLE…BOBDOLE GOT SOME “BUYAGRA” FROM BOBDOLE'S I & E DOCTOR, WHICH ENABLED
BOBDOLE TO FULFILL HIS EVERY PURCHASING DESIRE WITH LIMITLESS CONFIDENCE, AND
LEFT BOBDOLE FEELING LIKE A VERY SATISFIED & USEFUL CAPITALIST TOOL. LEAVE YOUR
BOBDOLE AT THE BOBDOLE.
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
PHONEBLATHERING: 09/05/2001. . . PG 26
...THOSE THREE GO-GETTERS TOLD ME YOU’D BE VERY INTERSTED IN OUR AMA-ZING
NEW PRODUCT, >>ENLIGHTENMINTS<< . YES, NOW YOU CAN LOSE ALLLL THE WEIGHT AND
ATTAIN ALLLL THE SUPERFICIAL TRAPPINGS OF SPIRITUAL GROWTH YOU’LL NEED TO BE
SUCCESSFUL IN A WORLD THAT’S CHANGING AT AN EVER- QUICKENING PACE ...&... DO SO
>>WITHOUT<< CHANGING YOUR FANTASTICALLY INADEQUATE DIET, PRIORITIES, OR MINDSET.
THAT’S RIGHT ... NO NEED TO DEAL WITH ALL THAT MESSY, IRRITATING, AND SOMETIMES ALIEN-
ATING UPHEAVEL ASSOCIATED WITH REAL, POSITIVE CHANGE…JUST POP A TASTY ENLIGHTEN-
MINT INTO YOUR DECEPTION HOLE AND BEGIN REAPING THE BENEFITS E-F-F-O-R-T-L-E-S-S-L-Y ...
AND,IF YOU ACT NOW, WITH EACH ENLIGHTENMINT AND AT >> NO COST TO YOU << , WE’LL INCLUDE
>>MINTY FRESH BREATH<< ... WHAT’RE YOU WAITIN’ FOR?
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
PHONEBLATHERING: 01/05/2001. . .PG 26
...WE CAN'T COME TO THE PHONE BECAUSE WE'RE BUSY INSPIRIN' PEOPLE WITH OUR
NEW DANCE CLASS, “COUNTRY WESTERN INDUSTRIAL” ...THIS WEEK'S SPECIALS ARE:
“AMERICAN GOTHIC”... (OH, 'SCUSE ME... “WHAT D'YA MEAN WE'RE OUTTA PITCHFORKS?
WELL, THEN, GIVE HER A PITCHSPORK!”) ... THE “TOOOO COOOOL STEP” (“O-KAY, PEO-PLE,
I WANT ALL OF YOU TO BE ABLE TO REZNORATE, LIKE BRANDON HERE, BY THE END OF THE
WEEK”) ... AND THE “GOMER PYLE-DRIVER”. SO COME ON BY ... BECAUSE WE LIVE IN A
“WESTERN INDUSTRIAL-IZED COUNTRY”...AND, DAG-NABBIT, IT'S ABOUT TIME WE
STARTED DANCIN' LIKE IT.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
PHONEBLATHERING: 03/29/199?. . .FROM PG 13
...WE CAN'T COME TO THE PHONE BECAUSE WE'RE BUSY WATCHING AARON SPELLING'S
NEW TV SERIES, “PAULY SHORES” . IN THE DEBUT EPISODE, OUR VASTLY MISUNDERSTOOD,
OBSCENELY WEALTHY, AND ALWAYS HIP STAR DISCOVERS A FROZEN CAVEMAN IN HIS BACK-
YARD, DEFROSTS HIM, AND SOCIALIZES HIM IN THE WAYS OF MODERN LIFE, WHILE LEARN-
ING A BIT ABOUT HUMANITY FROM HIS PREHISTORIC FRIEND ... THEN, HE TRAVELS TO FARM-
COUNTRY, USA POSING AS THE FIANCE OF HIS COLLEGE FRIEND, TRANSFORMS THE HICKS,
AND FINDS TRUE LOVE ... THEN, HE'S SUMMONED FOR JURY DUTY AND HILARIOUSLY TURNS
THE ENTIRE LEGAL SYSTEM INSIDE OUT. . .AND, FINALLY, HE AND A FRIEND END UP TRAPPED
IN A BIODOME WITH A BUNCH OF STUFFY, BORING SCIENTISTS ... BUT IT'S NOT BORING FOR
LONG... LEAVE A MESSAGE AND, REMEMBER,
A-A-R-O-N IS THE PROPER "SPELLING" FOR HITFACTORY.
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
PHONE BLATHERING: 05/02/1998. . .(FROM PG. 03)
…WE WON'T ANSWER THE PHONE BECAUSE WE'RE INSANELY BUSY DISTRIBUTING THAT NEW
WONDERDRUG, "VIAGRA"(LATIN FOR “I SAID, IT'S FOR A "FRIEND"”), AS WELL AS SEVERAL
OF ITS LESSER KNOWN COUSINS:
$ CRY-AGRA: FOR THOSE WHO WANT THEIR MAN TO PERFORM BETTER PHYSICALLY AND
BE MUCH MORE VULNERABLE EMOTIONALLY
$ NIAGRA: THAT POOR LITTLE EGG IS GONNA HAVETA BE IN A BARREL MADE OF SOME
OOOWILD, SPACE-AGE POLYMER TO ESCAPE THIS AWE-INSPIRING-NEVER-ENDING-TORRENT.
OO $ MY-OH-MY-AGRA: YOU'LL THINK THE ENTIRE SEATTLE MARINERS' STARTING LINE-UP IS
IN YOUR BEDROOM...AND...THEY'RE ALL HITTING HOME RUNS!
$ LUCY-IN-THE-SKY-AGRA: FOR THE MAN WHO DOESN'T WANT THE TRIP TO END JUST O
BECAUSE HIS PARTNER HAS JUMPED, SHRIEKING FROM THE LOVEBOAT...YES, IT'S
MARMALADE TREES AND MARSHMALLOW SKIES.
LEAVE YOUR ORDER AT THE BEEEEP..........(ELAPSED TIME- -> :35)
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
PHONEBLATHERING: 12/17/1999. . .(FROM PG 14)
. . .WE CAN'T COME TO THE PHONE BECAUSE WE'RE BUSY USHERING PEOPLE INTO OUR NEW
HOMEBASED MULTIPLEX THEATER. . .
>IN THEATER #1:<
WE'RE PROUD TO BE BE PREMIERING THE DESTINED-TO-BE-A-HOLIDAY-CLASSIC:
“THE UNBEARABLE LIGHTNESS OF BEING ERNEST SAVES CHRISTMAS"
>>IN #2:<<
“THE LION KING & I, CLAUDIUS”
>>>IN #3:<<<
“WHO'S AFRAID OF VIRGINIA DIRTY DANCING WITH WOLVES?”
>>>>IN #4:<<<<
“BLUE VELVET LAGOON”
>>>>>IN #5:<<<<<
“12 ANGRY MUSIC MEN AND ROSEMARY'S BABY”
...AND...
>>>>>>IN #6:<<<<<<
“THROW MOMMA FROM THE TRAIN...SPOTTING”
AND, REMEMBER, SOMEONE AT EACH SCREENING GETS A REMOTE...
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
PHONEBLATHERING: 07/27/2001. . .(FROM PG 27)
…THOSE THREE DELUDED DREAMERS AREN'T AVAILABLE BECAUSE THEY'RE PREPARING FOR THE
MUCH-AWAITED-SUMMER-LIMITED-RUN OF THEIR HOME-BASED MULTI-PLEX THEATER. . .
AND, NOW, FOR THIS YEAR'S OFFERINGS:
>IN THEATER #1<
>PLANET HOLLYWOOD OF THE APES<
(“BRUUUCE! I'LL BE A SILVER-BAAACK")
>>IN #2<<
>>JURASSIC DOG PARK<<
REX REED WROTE, “JDP HAS AN ASTONISHING LINGERING
EFFECT. . .THAT LEFT ME WITH AN OVERWHELMING SENSE OF DUTY.”
. . .AND. . .
>>> IN #3<<<
>>>S. E. : SUPERFICIAL ELEGANCE<<<
~ STARRING JOAN & MELISSA RIVERS ~
. . .AND, AS ALWAYS, ONE PERSON @ EACH SCREENING GETS A REMOTE. . .BEEEEEP.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
PHONE BLATHERING: 03/25/2000. . .(FROM PG 01)
(RING! X 4). . .WE'RE NOT AVAILABLE BECAUSE WE'RE OUT ADMIRING THE FIRST HERD OF OUR NEW
BUSINESS VENTURE AS THEY STAMPEDE OUT OF THE FACTORY AND INTO SHOWROOM FLOORS ALL
ACROSS THIS GREAT LAND. YES, T-I-T-O-N-K-A TRUCK IS FINALLY HERE AND BUILT TO BRING OUT
THE KID IN YOU. . . EXCEPT THIS KID HAS HORNS, WEIGHS SEVERAL TONS, AND IS REALLY- REALLY-
HAIRY ("REALLY- REALLY-HAIRY EXTRA"). THE PREMIER EDITION TITONKA TRUCK COMES IN
YELLOW, YELLOWER, AND SAFFRON, AND INCLUDES A PAINTBALL GUN FOR TARGETING IDIOTS
& DRIVE-BY ART, PLUS A WIDE RANGE OF SNAP-ON TOOLS ("JOB FOREMAN EXTRA").
TITONKA MEANS "BUFFALO" IN THE NATIVE TONGUE OF SOME PEOPLE WE "TRIED" TO
ERADICATE, BUT, DON'T WORRY, IT WASN'T MADE ANYWHERE NEAR THERE. . .
####################################################################################################
PHONEBLATHERING: 06/16/2000. . .(FROM PG 20)
PHONE#: SECRET CLUBHOUSE FOR YOUR SUPERIORS IN E-VER-Y IMPORTANT WAY… AARON, JANN,
& MATT CAN'T COME TO THE PHONE BECAUSE WE'VE GONE TO LACA FOR THE TREACHEROUS
ANNUAL “RUNNING OF THE CAST MEMBERS OF CANCELLED TV SHOWS”. . .”HEY, THIS MAN'S BEEN
MORTALLY WOUNDED. . . SOMEBODY GET A PRIEST - LEY”. . .AND, THEN, WE'RE OFF TO EXPERIENCE
A HOT NEW GROUP'S FINAL TUNE-UP CONCERT BEFORE THEIR KICK-ASS WORLD TOUR. YUP, TWO
SUPERPOPULAR BOY GROUPS HAVE TEAMED UP WITH COURTNEY TO FORM...
“ 'N' A BACKSTREET SYNCHOLE ”
BA-BY, YOU CAN JUST FEEL THE CHOREOGRAPHED L-O-V-E.
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz#1zzzzzzzzzzz#1zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzBUYMEzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzBUYMENOWzzzzzzzzzzzzzMOM'SPURSEzzzzzzzzzz
(FROM PG 10)
...WE'RE TOO BUSY BEING IMMOBILIZED BY MOURNFUL SORROW TO ANSWER THE PHONE...
FIRST, THE LEARJET OF FORMER PRO GOLFER AND HUMAN BEING, PAYNE STEWART, CRASHED AND,
NOW, ANOTHER TRAGEDY...A LEARJET CARRYING OWNER MARTHA STEWART AND PASSENGERS,
FRENCH STEWART, PATRICK STEWART, STEWART COPELAND, STEWART ANGUS, AND THE CORPSE OF
JIMMY STEWART TO THE “STEWARTS OF THE EARTH CONVENTION” HAS ALSO CRASHED. . .APPARENTLY,
ONE OF THE WING DOILY-COZY-THANGS GOT SUCKED INTO THE ENGINE. LEAVE A MESSAGE. . .UNLESS
IT'S BAD NEWS . . .WE CAN'T TAKE ANY MORE OF THAT.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
(FROM PG 12)
. . .WE CAN'T COME TO THE PHONE BECAUSE, AFTER WATCHIN' THE SENATE TELEREPUBBIES ON CNN,
WE'RE ANGRIER THAN HITLER WITH A HANGOVER AFTER WATCHIN' “HOGAN'S HEROES". SO LEAVE A
MESSAGE AND WE'LL GET BACK TO YA. . .UNLESS, OF COURSE, YOU'RE PART OF THAT “D I C K ARMEY”
POWERGOOSESTEPPING TOWARDS THE ELEPHANTS' GRAVEYARD. . .
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
PHONEBLATHERING. . .12/23/1995... PG 04
...PHONE# : HOME OF THE TOP 3 PEOPLE ON SANTA'S NAUGHTY LIST FOR THE SECOND
CONSECUTIVE YEAR -- JOHN, LESLIE, AND MATT. THEY CAN'T COME TO THE PHONE BECAUSE
THEY'RE BUSY LISTENING TO DR. HEYSUESS' NEW BOOK, “THE GINGRICH WHO DOLED CHRIST-
MAS”. LET'S LISTEN IN. . .”THE GINGRICH WAS A HYPOCRITE / FROM HIS HEAD TO HIS TOES / NOW,
PLEASE DON'T ASK WHY / NO ONE REALLY QUITE KNOWS / IT COULD BE THAT POWER HAD CLOUD-
ED HIS HEAD / IT COULD BE HIS SENSE OF COMPASSION WAS DEAD / BUT I THINK THE MOST LIKELY
REASON OF ALL / WAS HIS PERCEPTIONS OF THE WORLD WERE AS PATHETICALLY TWISTED AS ONE
POPE JOHN PAUL.”...LEAVE A MESSAGE AT THE BEEP. NOW A BIT MORE OF OUR STORY ... ”I KNOW
JUST WHAT TO DO” / GINGRICH LAUGHED IN HIS THROAT / AND HE MADE A QUICK ROBIN HOOD
HAT AND A COAT / AND HE CHUCKLED AND HE CLUCKED / WHAT A GREAT GINGRICHY DECEITFUL
SCHEME / YES, FOR DESERVING UPPER CRUST PEOPLE LIKE HIM / THERE'D BE PLENTY OF
ECONOMIC PIE & AMERICAN DREAM.”
CHECK OUT THESE OTHER CLASSICS BY DR. HEYSUESS:
* THE BOSS ON THE CROSS * ONE LOAF, ONE FISH, WATER-TO-WINE? -- YOU WISH
* HORTON HEARS A TRAITOR
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
PHONEBLATHERING: 11/27/2001. . .FROM PAGE 28
(2 1/2 MONTHS AFTER THE USA, AS A "NATION",
_MADE AN OVERDUE KARMIC BALLOON PAYMENT_
`TWAS A FEW DAYS AFTER GLUTTONFEST
AND ALL ACROSS THIS GREAT LAND
MANY CONSUMERBOTS WERE SHOPPIN'
BUT THEIR CONFIDENCE WAS BLAND
THE SHOCK & FEAR OF TERRORISM
STILL HUNG THICK IN THE AIR
CAUSIN' STORE SHELVES TO STAY FULL
THE STOCK MARKET TO STAY BEAR
AND JUST WHEN THE CONSUMERBOTS
WERE REALLY STARTIN' TO WORRY
CORPORATE AMERICA HIJACKED THAT FEAR OF TERRORISM
TO HELP SELL “PRODUCT” IN A FLURRY
PROUDLY USIN' FEAR & TRAGEDY, SUCH AS THIS
AS PROMOTIONAL TOOLS
HIGHLIGHTS ONE OF OUR SYSTEM'S MAJOR FLAWS
HEY, GIMME A PACK OF THEM “EXTRA-SMOKEY-WTC KOOLS”
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
PHONEBLATHERING: 10/21/1998. . .(FROM PG 12)
JANN, JIM, AND MATT CAN'T COME TO THE PHONE BECAUSE THEY'RE BLISSFULLY BUSY FANTA-
SIZING ABOUT DRINKIN' MARGUERITAS OUT OF YOUR BLEACHED-OUT SKULL, BUT, IF YOU LEAVE A
MESSAGE, PERHAPS THEY CAN VISUALIZE YOU AS A PERSON WORTH CALLING BACK . . . OH, NOW,
DON'T FRET … THEY HAVE GREAT IMAGINATIONS.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PHONEBLATHERING: 10/20/2000...(FROM PG 23)
JANN, LISA, AND MATT CAN'T COME TO THE PHONE BECAUSE THEY'RE COMPLETELY IMMERSED IN
ANNE RICE'S NEW SERIES OF BOOKS:
>> INTERVIEW WITH AN UMPIRE <<
>> THE UMPIRE, "LETSBAT!" <<
AND
>> QUEEN OF THE DIAMOND <<
THEY'RE ABOUT A GROUP OF UMPIRES WHO ONLY WORK NIGHT GAMES AND MANIPULATE BOTH
TEAMS, AND THE FANS, WITH BAD CALLS UNTIL THEIR BLOOD BOILS. . .THEN, THE UMPIRES
DRAIN THEIR LIFEFORCE BY FEEDING OFF OF THEIR ANGER. . .DID I MENTION THE UMPIRES
ESCAPE DETECTION BY TURNING INTO BATS? ANYHOO, I DON'T VANNA GIVE AVAY ANYMORE
. . .OR I'LL RUIN THE BIG. . .INNING.
WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
PHONEBLATHERING: RECENTLY UNEARTHED(FROM PG 26)
. . .WE CAN'T COME TO THE PHONE BECAUSE WE'RE WAY TOO BUSY TRYIN' TO PONDER SUCH
ETERNAL QUESTIONS AS :
> IF MATT FALLS DOWN ALONE IN THE FOREST, DOES HE CONTINUE BABBLIN' ?
>> IS THE GLASS HALF FULL OR HALF EMPTY. . .OF P O I S O N. . .OR, IS IT BROKEN
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE KITCHEN FLOOR…& YOU'RE STANDING ON IT
BAREFOOTED ?
. . .AND, REMEMBER, THE JOURNEY IS MORE IMPORTRANT THAN THE DESTINATION. . .BUT, THE
MOST IMPORTANT THANG IS FIGURIN' OUT WHO'S TRYIN' TO >> POISON YOU <<.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
PHONEBLATHERIN-02-24-2003 (ASSIMILATION INTO THE “GEORGE COLLECTIVE”)(FROM PG 32)
PHONE#:WE'VE JUST DISCOVERED THAT, CONTRARY TO ALLLL REPORTS, WE WON'T BE
LAUNCHIN' HUNDREDSS OF “TOMAHAWK CRUISE MISSILES” IN THE FIRST FEW HOURS
OF AN ATTACK ON IRAQ…N-N-NOPE…FOR “OPERATION: RISQUE BUSINESS”, COMPLETE
CULTURAL DEVASTATION WILL BE ACCOMPLISHED USIN' “TOM CRUISE MISSILES”
PICTURE THIS:
…WITH SCORES OF BLACKHAWK HELICOPTERS BLARIN' MUSIC, THE ENTIRE AFFECTED
MALE POPULATION WILL BE DANCIN' AROUIND IN TIGHTY-WHITE BRIEFS, WITH RAY-
BANS ON, LIP- SYNCIN' THAT BOB SEEGER SONG...
...AND FOR THE LA-DIES, IT'S THE “BLONDE BOMBSHELL", IN WHICH THE ENTIRE
AFFECTED FEMALE POPULATION WILL BE TRANSFORMED INTO 1950S HOLLYWOOD
MOVIE STARLETS…
AND THAT, AS “THEY” SAY, IS ALLLLL-AH FOLKS…
HEY, IT'S NOT AS RIDICULOUS AS TENS OF THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE DYIN' IN TWO
ASSHOLES' GIANT RISK GAME…
***************************************************************************************
PHONEBLATHERING: 07/05/2000. . . PG 21
...WE CAN'T COME TO THE PHONE BECAUSE WE'RE HIDIN' FROM PEARL JAM. FIRST, THEY
OFFED THOSE DENMARK FANS. THEN, THEY CLEVERLY TERMINATED WALTER MATTHAU ...
AND, NOW, THE WORD ON THE STREET IS THEY'RE AFTER US. SURE, THEIR FIRST RECORD WAS
“TEN”, BUT I SUSPECT, BY THE TIME THEY'RE THROUGH, THIS ONE WILL BE MUCH HIGHER. LEAVE
ANY SIGHTINGS @ THE BEEEP ... AND, HOPEFULLY, THAT WILL ENABLE EACH OF US TO CONFIDENTLY
PROCLAIM, “OHHHH. I-UHHH-I-IIIII'M STILL ALIVE”...
WE DON'T NEED ANY MORE RED VEDDER DAYS.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
PHONEBLATHERING: 08/20/1998. . .PG 3
...WE CAN'T COME TO THE PHONE BECAUSE WE'RE HELPING SOME GIRL SCOUTS EARN THEIR
JANN, JIM, AND MATT BADGES. THEN, WE'RE OFF TO SEE THE COEN BROTHERS' NEW FILM,
“THE BIG LEWINSKY”, STARRING JOHN GOODMAN AS THE PRESIDENT, SHANNON DOHERTY AS
MONICA, BARNEY THE DINOSAUR AS LINDA TRIPP, AND TIM CONWAY AS DORF STARR. SO LEAVE
A MESSAGE...OH, AND, IF THIS IS PATRICK BUCHANAN OR SOME OTHER RIGHT WING FREAKAZOID,
YOU'RE RIGHT...CLINTON BOMBING MONICA'S CONSENTING MOUTH WITH HIS PRESIDENTIAL
SEALANT AND THEN LYING ABOUT IT IS JUST AS “ETHICALLY REPREHENSIBLE” AS NIXON'S SECRET
BOMBING OF CAMBODIA, OR THE WATERGATE BREAK-IN & SUBSEQUENT COVER-UP. THANKS FOR
FIXIN' MY MORAL COMPASS. BEEEEEEEEP. . .
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PHONEBLATHERIN': 03/07/02. . .(VOCAL STYLIN': MATTRICH HIMLERSHTRUDEL)
...WE'RE SORRY, WE'RE TOO BUSY TO ANSWER YOUR MANY PETTY, HUMAN QUESTIONS ABOUT
YOUR ENDLESS ARRAY OF INADEQUACIES. . . BUT FEEL FREE TO STOP BY THE GRAND OPENING
OF OUR NEW CHAIN OF STORES -- ”FREUD MEYER: YOUR ONE-STOP MENTAL HEALTH SHOP.”
FROM OUR MANY FLAVORS OF PSYCHO-ANALYSIS, INCLUDING SOME HIP NEW ONES FOR THE
KIDS, TO GROUP THERAPY, HYPNOSIS, PAST LIFE REGRESSION, EVEN SHOCK THERAPY. . .
PARENTS, IF YOU'RE AT THE END OF YOUR ROPES, TRY OUR NEW SHOCK COLLARS FOR
CHILDREN… WE THINK THEY'LL BE YOUR FINAL SOLUTION…
WE ALSO HAVE A WIDE VARIETY OF RESTRAINTS, FROM THE FRESHEST DESIGNS IN DINNER &
SMOKING STRAITJACKETS, TO THE CLASSICAL FAVORITES, & ALL THE NECESSARY ACCESSORIES.
FOR ALL YOUR PRESCRIPTION NEEDS, STOP BY OUR “HICKORY PHARMACY”, AND DON'T FORGET
TO GRAZE FROM OUR MANY FREE SAMPLES BASKETS. . .
FREUD MEYER -- WE HAVE EVERYTHING WE HAVE CONVINCED YOU THAT YOU NEED…
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PHONEBLATHERING: 08/03/????
. . .WE CAN'T COME TO THE PHONE BECAUSE WE'RE STILL BATTLING THAT NASTY VIRUS
THAT'S BEEN GOIN' AROUND … Y'KNOW, THE “E-BOLTON VIRUS” … YOUR HAIR TURNS
BLOND-ISH, GETS REAL LONG 'N' FRIZZY IN THE BACK & SHORT ON TOP, AND YOU STUM-
BLE AROUND DELERIOUSLY BUTCHERING CLASSIC MOTOWN BALLADS. SO LEAVE A MES-
SAGE … AND, PA- LEASE, DON'T FORGET YOUR “W H A M T H R A X” VACCINATION.
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PHONEBLATHERING: 07/03/1999. . .
...WE CAN'T COME TO THE PHONE BECAUSE WE'RE TOOOO DAMN BUSY. . .THE KIDS WE
ABDUCTED ARE SICK AND WE'RE FRANTICALLY SEARCHIN' FOR OUR BIG BOX OF AMERI-
CAN FLAGS SO WE CAN FIRE UP OUR ANNUAL FETUS BBQ ... WHAT? THE FLAGS WERE MADE
IN C-H-I-N-A? ... AND THEN WE'RE OFF TO WATCH THE BROTHER OF THE DEMONIC “LILITH
FAIR”, “SATAN'S RO-DE-O”. YEEEE-HA! MARVEL AT THE BRAVERY AS EACH CONTESTANT TRIES
TO STAY ON JERRY FALWELL FOR 8 SECONDS WITH SARAH MCLACHLAN* BLARIN'. TO GET JERRY
REALLY PISSED OFF, WE PUT A TELE-TUBBIE UNDER HIS SADDLE AND PUT HIM IN A YELLOW SUN-
DRESS ... Y'KNOW, BECAUSE HE'S A WINTER...
*GOOD OL' PREDICTABLE JERRY LAUNCHED INTO A DIATRIBE ABOUT THE PAGAN- MILITANT-FEMINIST-LESBIAN-
WITCHES'-COVEN THAT'S OBVIOUSLY THE DRIVIN' FORCE BEHIND LILITH FAIR...WHOSE REAL MISSION IS TO
DUPE 'N' BRAINWASH YOUNG IMPRESSIONABLE "GIRLS" INTO JOINING THEIR CULT, THEREBY ABDANDONING
ALL THE GOOD'N'WHOLESOME THANGS AN ARROGANT-FACIST-PATRIARCHY, LIKE HIS, PROVIDES...IT'S JUST SO
DISHEARTENING TO SEE PEOPLE STRAY FROM THAT RIGHTEOUS PATH... AND I WONDER HOW MANY ANGUISHED
PRAYERS...I MEAN, YOUNG FEMALE CONGREGATIONISTS....I MEAN, HOOKERS IT'LL TAKE BEFORE JERRY FINDS SOME
PEACE...GUESS I'LL CALL JIMMY SWAGGART FOR AN EXPERT'S OPINION ON THAT ONE...PRAISE AUNT BEA...
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PHONEBLATHERING: 09/10/1999. . .
...WE CAN'T COME TO THE PHONE BECAUSE WE'RE BUSY ENGAGIN' IN ACTIVITIES &
SPOUTIN' OFF IDEAS THAT WILL RELENTLESSLY DOG US LIKE A RABID PAT BUCHANAN
IN SEARCH OF CREDIBILITY, SHOULD ONE OF US EVER RUN FOR “PRESIDENT”...
Y'KNOW, THANGS LIKE:
>>> CONSCIOUSNESS ALTERING EXPERIMENTATION WITH PLAYFUL REVERENCE &
WITHOUT APOLOGY.
>>> SEXUAL PROMISCUITY WITH RESPECTFUL ENTHUSIASM & WITHOUT GUILT.
>>> GUARANTEEING PEOPLE'S BASIC SURVIVAL NEEDS WITH COMPASSION & WITHOUT
CONDESCENDINGLY JUDGMENTAL PATERNALISM.
>>> FORMULATING PUBLIC POLICY WITH THE GOLDEN RULE ALWAYS IN MIND & WITHOUT
FORGETTING TO ASK: “WHAT WOULD MATT DO?”
AND, OF COURSE,
>>> SCREENING ALL PHONE CALLS WITH BELITTLIN' LAUGHTER & WITHOUT EVER
PICKIN' UP THE DAMN PHONE.
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PHONEBLATHERING: 03/13/19??. . .
...JOHN, LESLIE, AND MATT, BETTER KNOWN AS THOSE SEATTLE GLADIATORS -- BROOD,
CRISIS, AND STAGNATE -- CAN'T COME TO THE PHONE BECAUSE THEY'VE GONE WITH THE
OTHER SEATTLE GLADIATORS -- FLATLINE, OVERANALYZE, MISANTHROPE, AND SELF-
MEDICATE -- TO THAT LIFE-FORCE SUCKING VORTEX KNOWN AS BELLEVUE TO BATTLE
THOSE BELLEVUE GLADIATORS -- CONSUME, AUGMENT, SLEEPWALK, HYPOCRISY, GENTRIFY,
BELCH, AND XENOPHOBE ... "I ... BET ... 40 ... QUAT-LOOS ... ON THE ... EASTSIDERS." "DAMMIT,
JIM, I'M A SEQUELMAKER, NOT A BOOKMAKER." LEAVE YOUR BET AT THE BEEEEEP.
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PHONEBLATHERING...1990-SOMETHIN'...
...WELCOME TO THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF HYPOCRISY & ABSURDITY; WHERE WE'RE
VEGETARIANS, BUT,Y'KNOW, WE EAT CHICKEN & FISH ... WHERE WE'RE PRO-LIFE AND PRO-
CAPITAL PUNISHMENT...WHERE WE'RE CHRISTIAN, BUT REALLY DON'T ACT EVEN REMOTELY
CHRISTLIKE...WHERE WE'VE HAD IT UP TO HERE WITH ALL THOSE C-A-R-R-A-A-A-A-Z-Y PEOPLE
ON THE STREET, EVEN THOUGH WE VOTED TO DE-INSTITUTIONALIZE THEM...WHERE WE BE-
LIEVE THAT AIDS IS GOD'S VENGEANCE AGAINST “IMMORAL LIFE-STYLE CHOICES”, BUT OTHER
DISEASES -- LIKE CANCER & HEART DISEASE -- ARE TERRIBLE, SENSELESS TRAGEDIES...WHERE
WE THINK IT MAKES PERFECT SENSE FOR LIVING PEOPLE TO RISK THEIR LIVES RETRIEVING
DEAD PLANE CRASH VICTIMS FROM THEIR OCEAN FLOOR GRAVES SO THEY CAN BE “BURIED”
...AND WHERE WE LOVE THE FACT THAT YOU CALLED, BUT DREAD ACTUALLY TALKING TO YOU...
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PHONEBLATHERING: 12/14/01…(CALLER FRIENDLY VERSION)
HI, WE AT PETER PAN'S PAGAN FAMILY RESTAURANT WELCOME YOUR PATRONAGE &
WISH YOU A VERY MERRY PAGANMAS … THIS WEEK'S SPECIAL IS BASED ON A RECIPE WE
DISCOVERED DOWN SOUTH…”KUNDALINI IN CLAM SAUCE”... MMM-MMM, THIS IS SO GOOD
IT'S PROBABLY ILLEGAL IN SOME STATES …ALSO, IN HONOR OF THE CHRIST FOR THE PISCEAN
AGE, WE HAVE PAN-FRIED CATFISH -- COOKED YA-WEH (HEH-HEH-HEH) -- AND SERVED WITH HOT
CROSS BUNS AND A BLOODY MARY ... SIMPLY JESULICIOUS! SO PLEASE COME ON BY …WE'RE
CONFIDENT, ONCE YOU'VE GIVEN US A TRY, IT WON'T BE YOUR LAST SUPPER...HERE.
AND, WHILE YOU'RE HERE, FEEL FREE TO ASK ANY OF OUR INCUBUSBOYS OR SUCCUBUSGIRLS
TO SHARE A POWERFUL PAGANMAS STORY … SEE YA SOON…
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...WE CAN'T COME TO THE PHONE BECAUSE WE'RE BUSY CASTING OUR FIRST ADULT MOVIE,
“STAR WHORES”, WHICH WILL BE FINANCED BY THE AMAZING & TRULY SURPRISING SUCCESS
OF OUR DARTH VADER SHOWER SOAP DISPENSER...”LUUUUKE, I'M YOUR LATHER”. WE'RE STILL
AUDITIONING FOR: HAND SOLO * PRINCESS LAY-YA * RU486 * OB-GYN KANOBE * GIRTH WAYMORE
(MATT'S NEW PORNO NAME, BY THE WAY) * LUKE STARFRACKER * ONE-EYE KNIGHTS * IMPERIAL
SPERMSHOOTERS * AND THOSE ADORABLE-N-SURE-TO-BE-MARKETING-BONANZAS, NOOKIES &
E-ROCKS ... SO LEAVE A MESSAGE AND WE'LL DO SUSH, BABE.
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PHONEBLATHERING: 09/27/2000. . .
JANN, LISA, AND MATT -- THOSE JUMBO EVOLVED BEINGS OF EARTHLY DE-LIGHT WHO MAKE:
>>> YODA LOOK LIKE LAMBCHOP <<<
>>> THE DALAI LAMA LOOK LIKE PAT ROBERTSON <<<
>>> MARTIN LUTHER KING LOOK LIKE MIKE TYSON <<<
>>> FIGHT CLUB LOOK LIKE ROCKY II <<<
>>> DR. LAURA LOOK LIKE PEPPERMINT PATTI (ACTUALLY, CHUCK, VICE VERSA) <<<
>>> HUNTER S. THOMPSON & TERRENCE MCKENNA LOOK LIKE REGIS & KATHY LEE <<<
>>> SEAN CONNERY LOOK LIKE GEORGE LAZENBY <<<
. . .AND. . .
>>> AGAPE LOOK LIKE MUSKRAT LOVE <<<
...CAN'T COME TO THE PHONE. . .SO MAKE YOUR MESSAGE SOUND LIKE SWEEEEET, SWEEEET MUSIC.
...AND, BEFORE YOU VOTE, REMEMBER THE WORDS OF DAVID LETTERMAN: “C'MON, NOW, GEORGE
DUBYABUSH, JUNIOR MAKES DAN QUAYLE LOOK LIKE WINSTON CHURCHILL.”
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PHONEBLATHERING: 02/08/2002. . .
...HOWDY, DUE TO OUR NEW-IMPROVED-CALCIUM-FORTIFIED PRIORITIZATION FORMULA, WE'RE
UNABLE TO SPEND ANY MORE PRECIOUS TIME ON THE LIKES OF YOU. AT THE MOMENT, THAT'S
BECAUSE WE'RE BUSY DIVININ', COMPILIN', AND ANALYZIN' NEW INVESTMENT “OPPORTUNITIES”
FOR ALL THOSE GENIUSES WHO SOMEHOW ASCERTAINED THAT A COMPANY CALLED "END-RUN"
SOUNDED LIKE A SOUND INVESTMENT (MORE LIKE A (SEATTLE) "SOUND TRANSIT" INVESTMENT, I'D SAY).
SO THE COMPANIES WE CHOSE FOR THIS MONTH'S “PICK$” ARE:
DOUBLE REVERSE ~ QUARTERBACK SNEAK ~ GUTTERBALL ~ 7-10 SPLIT
SUICIDE SQUEEZE ~ HIT & RUN ~ AND UNPLAYABLE LIE
. . .AND, REMEMBER, WE'RE THE O-N-L-Y INVESTMENT COMPANY THAT LET'S YOU USE YOUR
VITAL ORGANS AS COLLATERAL, OR, AS WE LIKE TO PUT IT,
“BUY LOW > $ELL LOWER >> BYE BYE >>> KIDNEY CELLS”
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PHONE BLATHERING: RIGHT AFTER HEAVEN'S GATE CULT CHECK-OUT TIME OR THEREABOOOT:
...BROTHER JOHN, SISTER LESLIE, AND FRIAR MATT CAN'T COME TO THE PHONE BECAUSE,
WELL, OUR PIZZA IS LATE, WHICH IS OBVIOUSLY A SIGN THAT IT'S TIME FOR US TO KILL OUR
BLOATED SKIN BAGS SO WE CAN CATCH THE NEXT ALIEN EXPRESS SPACEBUS TO THE NEXT
LEVEL OF HUMAN EVOLUTION...TO A MAGICAL PLACE WHERE PIZZAS ARE DELIVERED ON
TIME, DAMMIT, AND THEY'RE ALL FREE...AND WHERE YOUR GIRLFRIEND DOESN'T LEAVE YOU
FOR A STOOOPID DELIVERY DRIVER IN A HOPPED-UP YUGO WITH NAKED LADY MUDFLAPS...
HEY, AT LEAST WE'RE NOT LISTENING TO AN OLD GUY IN A FREAKY CHEF'S HAT AND A DRESS,
ADMONISHING US TO WORSHIP ONE OF TED NUGENT'S ANCESTORS WHO ROSE FROM THE
DEAD AFTER A BIZARRE CARPENTRY ACCIDENT...OR WE'LL GO TO SOME ETERNAL PIZZA OVEN.
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PHONEBLATHERING: 1999
...JOHN, LESLIE, AND MATT -- A.K.A. ELVIS NINO (“THE WEATHER'S ALLLLL SHOOK UP”), NELL
NINO (“YOUR HOUSE WASH A-WAY IN THE RAIN, IN THE RAAAAIN”), AND HOWIE-MANDELL
NINO(“AND, IF I PUT THIS SURGICAL GLOVE OVER MY HEAD & NOSE AND BLOW REEEAL HARD,
ALL THE HURRICANES MOVE FROM THE ATLANTIC TO THE PACIFIC...PRETTY COOL, HUH?”) --
CAN'T COME TO THE PHONE. OF COURSE, ALL THIS WEATHER HAVOC DWARFS IN COMPARISON
TO THE MINDNUMBING CHAOS THAT WILL ENSUE MIDNIGHT 01/01/2000. SOME SAY THE Y2K
PROBLEM IS THE RESULT OF BAD, SHORTSIGHTED COBOL PROGRAMMING, BUT WE KNOW THE
TRUE CAUSE WILL BE IMPOSSIBLE TO FIX...YYYYUP, I-N-T-E-L NINO.
010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010
PHONEBLATHERING: 08/05/1999. . .
. . . WE CAN'T COME TO THE PHONE BECAUSE, AS STEVE MILLER SO PRESCIENTLY PUT IT,
“MIMES KEEP ON SNIPPIN', SNIPPIN' IN-TO OUR SU-TURES.” . . . OWWWWWWWW! OKAY, YOU
SILENT ASSHOLES, THAT'S IT! WHERE'S THAT BIG INVISIBLE BOX . . . THAT I KEEP MY “BOBCAT
GOLTHWAIT” AUTOGRAPH-MIME-BATS IN? OH, THERE IT IS . . . WHERE THE HELL DID THIS 80
MILE-AN-HOUR INDOOR HEADWIND COME FROM?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PHONEBLATHERING: 12/07/96. . .
...WE CAN'T COME TO THE PHONE BECAUSE WE'RE BUSY PUTTIN" THE FINISHING TOUCHES ON
THAT DESTINED-TO-BE-A-CLASSIC HOLIDAY SPECIAL, “RETURN TO WALMART MOUNTAIN”. LET'S
HAVE A PEEK, SHALL WE? HEY, THERE'S GRANDPA JOHN, SITTIN' AT THE ENTRANCE, WHITTLIN' 'N'
GREETIN' FOLKS, PRETENDIN' LIFE'S STILL WORTH LIVIN'. THERE'S GRANDMA LESLIE IN A SKIMPY
NEGLIGE IN E-LEC-TRONICS, BUSTIN' LOOSE WITH ANOTHER MONSTER AIR GEEETAR SOLO AND
HITTIN' ON ALLLL THE VIRILE YOUNG BUCKS WHO STRUT ON BY. . .YEEEDOGGY!. . .WHAT'VE THEY
BEEN PUTTIN' IN THEM VITTLES? AND THERE'S MATTBOY IN THE SURVEILLANCE TOWER, WRITIN'
BAWDY HAIKUS WITH HIS USUAL DOWNHOME CHARM: “MATTBOY TELL ME HOW ~ TO BEST WASH
THIS PRETTY FROCK ~ NUDE WITH ME, OF COURSE”. . .HEH-HEH-HEH, ANOTHER TRIUMPH. . .AND
THEN THERE'S LORI ELLEN, WHIPPIN' UP FREE SAMPLES OF HER FAMOUS MIND TWISTIN' POSSUM
DAQUIRIS. . .KILLIN' SPREE ON AISLE THREE. . .(WHISTLIN' SOLO: “THE WALTONS” THEME SONG)
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PHONEBLATHERING: 08/28/2003…
PHONE#… WE CAN'T COME TO THE PHONE BECAUSE…
DIN-GOS STOLE OUR BA-BY! … WAIT, WHAT'S THAT?
“WA-WA-WA-WA-WA-WA-WA-WA…WA-WA-WA”
OH, SORRY… RIN-GO STARR STOLE OUR BA-BY!
GIVE IT BACK, YA BAS-TARD!
…OR YOU'LL BE NEEDIN' ALOTTA HELP FROM YOUR FRIENDS…
Y'KNOW, TO GET BY...
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NOT AN ACTUAL PHONEBATHERING
JUST MY CURRENT LIBRARY OF :
GENETICALLY MODIFIED / RECOMBINANT MOVIES
>> THE UNBEARABLE LIGHTNESS OF BEING ERNEST SAVES CHRISTMAS <<
>> WHO'S AFRAID OF VIRGINIA DIRTY DANCIN' WITH WOLVES <<
>> BREAKFAST CLUB AT TIFFANYS <<
>> LIKE WATERWORLD FOR WILLY WONKA & THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY <<
>> 12 ANGRY MUSIC MEN & ROSEMARY'S BABY <<
>> GRUMPY OLD MEN IN BLACK LIKE ME <<
>> BLUE VELVET LAGOON <<
>> 20,000 LEAGUES UNDER THE SEA OF LOVE IS A MANY SPLENDORED THING <<
>> PLANET HOLLYWOOD OF THE APES (BRUUUUCE, I'LL BE A SILVERBA-A-A-ACK) <<
>> JURASSIC DOG PARK (“IT LEFT ME WITH AN OVERWHELMING SENSE OF DUTY!” - T-REX REED) <<
>> 7 BRIDES OF FRANKENSTEIN FOR 7 BRUTHAS FROM ANOTHER PLANET <<
>> ALL THE DEAD PRESIDENTS' REPOMEN DON'T WEAR PLAID <<
>> THREE LION KINGS & I, CLAUDIUS <<
>> CHEAPER BY THE DIRTY DOZEN <<
>> SMOKEY & THE TIME BANDITS <<
>> THROW MOMMA FROM THE TRAIN … SPOTTING <<
>> QUIET EARTH GIRLS ARE EASY RIDERS <<
>> THE PEOPLE UNDER THE 39 STEPS VS. LARRY FLYNT <<
>> GUESS WHO'S COMING TO MY DINNER WITH ANDRE? <<
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PHONEBLATHERING: 05/22/1999. . .
...WE CAN'T COME TO THE PHONE AT THE MOMENT. . .OH, AND BY THE WAY, NEITHER JANN, JIM,
OR MATT IS "BI-POLAR". IN FACT, NONE OF US HAS BEEN TO THE NORTH OR SOUTH POLES ... SO
WE'RE NOT EVEN "MONO-POLAR" ... BUT, Y'KNOW, WE'VE ALL PLAYED MONOPOLY ABUNCHA-
TIMES -- SO THERE! TAKE A CHANCE AT THE BEEP. YOU MAY DRAW A "GET OUT OF OUR LIVES
FREE" CARD. LUCKY DUCK.
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PHONEBLATHERING: 05/06/1999. . .
. . .WE'D ANSWER THE PHONE, BUT WE'RE TOOO BUSY STAL-KIN' >>YOU<< ... AND D'YA THINK YOU
COULD BE A LITTLE MORE INTERESTING? ... BECAUSE, WHILE WE'RE STALKIN' YOU, WE'RE BEGINNING
TO DAYDREAM ABOUT STALKIN' OTHER PEOPLE ... AND THAT JUST AIN'T RIGHT ... ACTUALLY, IT'S
KINDA CREEEE-PY.
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...WE CAN'T COME TO THE PHONE RIGHT NOW BECAUSE BOBDOLE PAID FOR A BIT OF TIME ON OUR
MESSAGE AND, HEY, HERE HE IS ... "HI, THIS IS BOBDOLE AND BOBDOLE WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE
TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE, ESPECIALLY REPUBLICAN AMERICANS, FOR THAT 96 HOUR CAMPAIGN
MARATHON BOBDOLE DID. THAT WASN'T A VERY GOOD ANTI-DRUG MESSAGE FOR BOBDOLE TO SEND
TO AMERICA'S YOUTH ... Y'KNOW, "JUST SAY NO" ... UNLESS YOU'RE RUNNIN' FOR PRESIDENT, GETTIN'
YOUR ASS KICKED UP AND DOWN THE STREET ... ANYHOO, KIDS, REMEMBER, THE ROAD TO HELL IS
PAVED WITH DOUBLE-TALKIN', HYPOCRITICAL PEOPLE LIKE THE BOBDOLE BOBDOLE HAS BECOME ...
BUT THE "REAL" BOBDOLE WOULD BE A CORNERSTONE OF A BUILDING, OR A MAILBOX IN HELL ...
SOMETHIN' SIMPLE 'N' NOBLE LIKE THAT.
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PHONEBLATHERING: AFTER MICHAEL KENNEDY'S DEATH @ THE KENNEDY CLAN'S ANNUAL COLO-
RADO GATHERING, INVOLVING THOSE TWO NATURALLY LINKED ACTIVITIES -- FOOTBALL & SKIING...
. . .SEAN, LESLIE, AND MATT CAN'T COME TO THE PHONE BECAUSE WE'RE BUSY SIFTING
THROUGH A MOUNTAIN OF EVIDENCE IN AN ATTEMPT TO PIECE TOGETHER WHAT REALLY HAPPENED IN
THE MOST RECENT KENNEDY DEATH. THERE'S BEEN MUCH CONSPIRATORIAL TALK ABOUT SEVERAL
FOOTBALLS BEING THROWN SIMULTANEOUSLY FROM A SNOWY KNOLL, ATTEMPTING TO HIT MICHAEL
KENNEDY LONG, THEREBY CAUSING MASSIVE CONFUSION, SEVERE CONTUSIONS, AND, TRAGICALLY, A
SWIFT CONCLUSION. . .BUT WE'RE LEANING TOWARDS THE "SINGLE FOOTBALL THEORY" AND, THUS,
I SUSPECT THAT WE, THE "DARWIN COMMISSION", WILL FIND THAT MICHAEL KENNEDY DIED OF
NATURAL SELECTION. . .OR TO BE MORE TRUNCULENT, "ASK NOT WHAT WE CAN DO FOR A PINE TREE,
ASK WHAT A PINE TREE CAN DO FOR US."
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PHONEBLATHERIN' : 06 / 27 / 2002. . .
…TELL YA LITTLE STORY `BOUT THE 3 GUYS THAT LIVE HERE
SPENT ALL DAY ON THE PHONE
`CAUSE PEOPLE THOUGHT THEM COOLER THAN BEER
THEN, ONE DAY, THEY WERE SHOPPIN' FOR A TRAMP-O-LINE
WHEN, FROM HIGH UP ABOVE
TUMBLED AN ANSWERIN' MA-CHINE
ME, THAT IS -- MINICASSETTES, BLINKIN' LIGHTS
WELL, THEY TOOK THIS DIVINE SIGN
AND PURCHASED ME LICKITY-SPLIT
`CAUSE TALKIN' TO THEIR SO-CALLED FRIENDS
IT WASN'T EVEN WORTH THEIR SPIT
THEY FIGURED THEY'D RATHER LEAVE
ALL THAT SOUL-SUCKIN' NONSENSE UP TO ME
SO HERE I AM READY TO LISTEN
TO YOUR TRITE-BULLSHIT-SPREE
TEDIOUS, THAT IS…
PRACTICE TALKIN' TO YOUR FOOT
RINSE…REPEAT WITH THE OTHER ONE
YA'LL DON'T HAVETA CALL BACK NOW, YA HEAR?
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PHONEBLATHERING: 03/04/2000. . .
AARON, JANN, MATT, & CHRISTINE CAN'T COME TO THE PHONE BECAUSE THEY'RE OUT WITH THEIR
MAGAZINES OF GUNSCOPES, SELLING GUNSCOPE COOKIES DOOR-TO-DOOR, ACCOMPANIED BY THEIR
INSPIRATIONAL & TEDIOUS NATIONAL ARSENALMASTER, CHARLETON "YOU BLEWWWW IT UP" HESTON.
ENTHUSIASTIC BOY & GIRL GUNSCOPES, WORKING ON THEIR EXTORTION BADGES, WILL BE IN YOUR
NEIGHBORHOOD ALLLLL WEEK TAKING YOUR DAILY ORDERS SO PALEASE HAVE ORDERS AND PAYMENT
READY. . . AND, REMEMBER, ZERO USUALLY ISN'T AN OPTION. THANKS FOR SUPPORTING THE
GUNSCOPES OF N R A R I C A. WE'VE GOT OUR SIGHTS TRAINED ON YOU-TH.
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PHONEBLATHERING: 03/2000 ( VOCAL STYLING: DOPED-UP'N'BLOATED ELVIS )
>> HELL, NO! I'M THE SYMBOL OF RELENTLESS ASS-WHOOPIN'!
>> YYYUP, I INVENTED THAT DECADENTLY SCRUMPTIOUS ICE CREAM BAR.
>> NOPE! NO WAY. . .I'M NUTHIN' LIKE MY FATHER -- 2-FOLD.
THIS IS WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE WHEN DOVES LIE.
LEAVE YOUR PACK OF 'EM AT THE BEEEEP. . .
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BON JOVI. . .YOU'VE REACHED THE SANCTUARY OF THAT MOTLEY CRUE -- BLAH, BLAH, AND BLATT.
IF YOU'D WHITESNAKE POISON ANTHRAX SKID ROW QUEENSRYCHE A QUIET RIOT, THEN SIMPLY
NIGHT RANGER SCORPS KISS CINDERELLA AND MOTORHEAD BLACK SABBATH METALLICA AT
THE BEEP. . .BUT IT'S MUCH MORE KILLER TO SEE 'EM LIVE, DUDE!
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PHONEBLATHERING: 10/09/1998. . .
. . .JANN, JIM, AND MATT CAN'T COME TO THE PHONE BECAUSE MATT IS BUSY WRITING HIS INSIGHT-
FUL NEW BOOK, "WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS, I'M FROM B-O-I-S-E", WHILE JANN & JIM ARE HELPING
FIELD CALLS AT THE "PSYCHIC ENEMIES NETWORK". YOUR CALL WILL NOW BE FORWARDED TO
YOUR PERSONAL PSYCHIC ENEMY FOR A READING. . ."HI, I SEE BIG, BIG TROUBLE SCREAMIN' TOWARD
YA. . .YOU'LL BE GOIN' DOWN HARD. . .YOUR DAYS ARE NUMBERED. . .AND THE NUMBERS DON'T GO
VERY DAMN HIGH. ALL YOUR KARMIC DEBTS ARE NOW DUE AND SOME "GUYS" ARE ON THE WAY
TO COLLECT. SO MAKE PEACE WITH YOUR GOD. . .OH, AND THROW OUT YOUR PERISHIBLES
& GET SOMEONE TO WATER, I MEAN, ADOPT YOUR PLANTS."
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PHONEBLATHERING: 11/22/2000. . .
. . .WE CAN'T COME TO THE PHONE BECAUSE WE'RE PREPARIN' TO CELEBRATE OUR NEW HOLIDAY...
WE'VE DECIDED TO COMBINE THE TWO AUTUMN HARVEST CELEBRATIONS -- HALLOWEEN & GLUT-
TONFEST -- INTO "G L U T T O N W E E N", IN WHICH WE ALL DRESS UP IN COSTUMES AND HAVE A BOUN-
TIFUL, JOYOUS FEAST WITH FRIENDS 'N' RELATIVES. FOLLOWING THAT, WE WANDER THE NEIGHBOR-
HOOD, BANGIN' ON PEOPLE'S DOORS, DEMANDIN' THEY GIVE US SHOTS OF WILD TURKEY. . .OR WE'LL
TAKE THEIR LAND, INFECT THEM WITH DISEASES, AND, IN GENERAL, COM-PLETELY DIS-RE-GARD
THE "GOLDEN RULE". THEN, EMBRACING OUR SPECIES RICH TRADITION, WE THANKFULLY ACCEPT
THE FORMER AND DO THE LATTER ANYWAY... AND, OF COURSE, DON'T YOU DARE FORGET
"THE DAY OF THE FED". . .
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PHONEBLATHERING: 01/05/2002. . .
PHONE#. . .WE'RE VERY HAPPY THAT 2001, “THE YEAR OF THE RED, WHITE, AND BLUE OSTRICH",
HAS FINALLY BEEN CREMATED & SPRINKLED ON THE COMPOST HEAP OF HISTORY. . .AND -- I SAY, I
SAY -- WE ENTHUSIASTICALLY EMBRACE 2002, "THE YEAR OF THE NEUROTIC ROOSTER."
IN THAT SPIRIT, WE'RE ESPECIALLY PLEASED WITH THE FIRST ROUND OF AIRPORT SECURITY MEA-
SURES FOR 2002, WHEREBY EVERYBODY MUST BE NAKED. . .FROM CHECK-IN THROUGH THE X-RAY
MACHINES. . .AFTER WHICH, ALL ARE GIVEN MUMUS TO WEAR. . . I S'POSE TO SYMBOLIZE THAT,
ON A VERRRRY SUPERFICIAL LEVEL, ALLLLL PEOPLE ARE EQUAL -- EVEN MIDDLE-SEAT-COACH-
CLASS PEOPLE. . . IT'S A SMALL SACRIFICE SO WE CAN SUPERSAVE OUR GOD-GIVEN WAY OF LIFE
OR, AT LEAST, PERPETUATE THE ILLUSION THAT WE CAN.
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PHONEBLATHERING: 11/13/1997. . .
. . .THIS MESSAGE IS SPONSORED BY YIN-YANG -- THE ZESTY, NUTRITIOUS, FRUIT-LIKE DRINK THAT
HELPED THE CHINESE ASTRONAUTS TO >>NOT KILL<< THEIR RUSSIAN COUNTEPARTS DURING
THEIR LONG STAY ON THE MIR SPACE STATION. JUST MAYBE IT CAN DO THE SAME FOR YOU &
YOUR FAMILY. . .
SEAN, LESLIE, AND MATT CAN'T COME TO THE PHONE BECAUSE WE'RE BUSY TRYING TO ASCERTAIN
WHETHER A CERTAIN >>FATHER UNIT<< IS A COMPLETE MO-RON FOR ASSERTING THAT MARILYN
MANSON IS LEGALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS SON'S SUICIDE. SO FAR IT APPEARS THAT >>HE IS<<
BECAUSE WE CAN FIND NONE OF THE MARI-MAN'S LYRICS WHICH COMMAND, "SIMON SAYS,
"HEY, BILLY, K-I-L-L YOURSELF!'". . .
. . .AFTER THAT, WE'RE OFF TO SEE IF WE CAN BAG A FREE-RANGE CHRISTIAN FOR GLUTTONFEST.
WE REALLY NEEDTA FIND ONE WITHOUT A RIGHT WING. . .'CAUSE THEY'RE WAY TOO SATURATED
WITH HATE.
. . .OH, AND BY THE WAY, JOHN WILL BE GONE FOR A FEW WEEKS LETTING SOME CULT
TWIST HIS SOUL INTO WHIMSICAL LITTLE BALLOON ANIMALS. . .BEEEEEEP!
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PHONEBLATHERING: 007/27/2000. . .
. . .WE CAN'T COME TO THE PHONE BECAUSE. . .OH, GOD, IT WAS AWWWWWFUL. . .JANN WAS
PEACEFULLY ENJOYIN' A CONCORD GRAPE SODA WHEN, ALL OF A SUDDEN, IT CAUGHT FIRE. . .JANN
IMMEDIATELY REALIZED SOMETHIN' WAS WRONG. . .'CAUSE THEY NORMALLY DON'T DO THAT. . .SO HE
THREW IT OUT THE FRONT DOOR. . .AND IT-IT-IT EX-PLOD-ED, VAPORIZING ALLLL THE DANDELIONS
IN OUR FRONT YARD. . .THEY WERE SO YOUNG'N'INNOCENT'N'YELLA. . .SORRY. . .LEAVE A MESSAGE
AND. . .DAMMIT, JANN! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOIN'? . . .THOSE ARE PIN-TO BEANS!
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PHONE BLATHERING: 09/18/1998. . .
. . .JANN, SATAN'S BARTENDER, JIM, SATAN'S WAITER, AND MATT, SATAN'S BUTT DOUBLE, CAN'T
COME TO THE PHONE BECAUSE WE'VE GONE TO THE "CLINIC" WITH OUR GIRLFRIENDS
BECAUSE -- AWWW, SHUCKS -- YOU SEE, WE'RE JUST A BUNCH OF YOUNG, IMPATIENT DREAMERS
WHO ARE SO PRO-ABORTION, YET ALSO SO DAMN BUSY TRYIN' TO FIND OUR PLACES IN THIS TOPSY-
TURVY, CHAOTIC WORLD. . .AND WE FIGURED, IF WE ONLY HAD MASSIVE DOSES OF FERTILITY
DRUGS, WE COULD ALL ABORT "BIG" FAMILIES. . .RIGHT AWAY.
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PHONEBLATHERING: 09/27/1996. . .
. . .UNLIKE THE LEGIONS OF WOMEN PATHETICALLY WHIMPERING ABOUT THE MARRIAGE OF JOHN
F. KENNEDY JOONYA, THE THREE XENA-WARRIOR-ENCHANTRESS-GODDESSES WHO LIVE HERE HAVE
BEEN HONING THEIR UNIQUE POWERS FOR THE "MISTRESS AMERICA PAGEANT", IN WHICH THE TOP
THREE FINALISTS GET TO LIVE IN ONE OF THE PLUSH KENNEDY COMPOUNDS. . .AND THE WINNER GETS
TO PARADE AROUND IN A T*I*A*R*A. I'M ESPECIALLY LOOKIN' FORWARD TO THE "STANDING-ON-A-
STEAM-GRATE UNDERGARMENT COMPETITION" AND THE '"HHHHA-A-AP-PY BIRTHHH-DAY MMMISSSS-
TER PRRRRE-ZZZI-DENT" KARAOKE FOREPLAY COMPETITION". AS FOR THEIR CHANCES, I THINK ALL
THREE HAVE AN EXCELLENT SHOT. . .NO! THAT'S DISGUSTING! NOT FROM THE "BOOK DEPOSITORY".
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PHONEBLATHERING: 06/26/2004. . .
PHONE#. . . UNTIL THIS CYCLE OF THE “ICON TRIFECTA OF DEATH” IS COMPLETED,
WE'RE FAR TOO CONSUMED WITH ANTICIPATION TO ANSWER THE PHONE. . .
FIRST, RONALD RAYGUN WON ONE FOR THE REAPER. . .
THEN, RAY CHARLES HIT THE END OF THE ROAD, S-M-A-C-K!
AND, NOW, MINDFUL OF THE RAYGUN - RAY CHARLES PATTERN, WE'RE
WAITIN' FOR THE FINALE OF THE FINAL ICON IN THE TRINITY. . .
WILL IT BE:
CHARLETON HESTON? CHARRO? CHARLES-NOT-IN-CHARGE (AKA PRINCE CHARLES)?
OR CHARDAY?
LEAVE YOUR PREDICTION AT THE BEEP...
***NOTE: (CHARISMATIC) MARLON BRANDO COMPLETED THIS CYCLE OF THE ICON TRIFECTA***
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PHONEBLATHERING: 06/15/2005...
WE'RE STILL AT THE GITMO DETENTION CENTER, HELPIN' THE U.S. MILITARY TO ASCER-TAIN
WHICH IS THE BEST CHOICE FOR QUICKLY CLEANIN' UP ALL TRACES OF THOSE EMBARASSING
“INTERROGATION BRUNCH” MESSES -- THE KORAN, THE BIBLE -- CLASSIC OR NEW-ZESTY-TESTAMENT,
THE TORAH, OR ONE OF THEM OTHER POPULAR TEXTS OR ARTIFACTS.
NOW, SINCE YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS OR CREDIBILITY, THERE'S NO RISK IN TELLIN' YOU THAT, WHILE
WE STILL HAVE A FEW MORE FAITHS TO TEST…
THUSFAR, THE BEACH TOWEL OF TURIN & THE BEACH TOWEL OF GRACELAND ARE THE MOST
ABSORBANT.
AS FOR FASTEST & BEST OVERALL CLEANUP, IT'LL BE A MIRACLE IF ANYTHANG BEATS THE POPE'S
VACUUM HATS…(AS ONE BISHOP PUT IT) THEY MAKE IT ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE FOR ANYONE TO TELL
THAT SOMETHIN' DIRTY HAPPENED.
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> > > > > P H O N E B L A T H E R I N G O R D E R I N G I N F O R M A T I O N < < < < <
$2 >> FOR 32 PRINT-READY PGS, 100+ ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES << $2
TO ORDER: EMAIL ME (LINK PROVIDED BELOW) TO PLACE YOUR ORDER
& TO CLUE ME IN ON HOW YOU INTEND TO $EAL THE DEAL(CA$H, MONEY
ORDER, PUSH-UPS)... AFTER I'VE RECEIVED YOUR PAYMENT (I.E. $$ IS IN
MY BANK ACCOUNT), I'LL SEND YOU (WRITTEN VERSIONS OF) MY
PHONEBLATHERINGS...AT PRESENT, THAT'S 32 PRINT-READY PAGES
WITH 100+ BLATHERINGS, OR ABOUT 950 KB, SO I'LL PROBABLY
SPLIT THEM INTO 2 EMAILS SO THEY DON'T OVERWHELM
SOME PEOPLE'S E-MAIL ACCOUNTS...
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